"Waiting For Some Buddies"

A Hypothetical Hollywood Pitch Meeting In The Early '90s

Aug 20, 2024

A few weeks ago I posted a picture of Paul Westerberg and Tommy Stinson from The Replacements on Instagram with this caption: ‘The ‘80s buddy film I’m still waiting for… They would go around solving minor mysteries, but it would turn out it was them all along.’ Fellow fans of Minneapolis’ finest foursome had some fun with that concept, so I wrote up a hypothetical studio pitch meeting set in 1993. I’m no comedy writer, but I am a lifelong Replacements fan—so I also included some of my favorite Replacements songs below.

Scene: Movie studio conference room, 1993.

Jason (Young Screenwriter #1): Thanks for meeting with us, we’re really excited—

Movie Studio Vice President (MSVP): [Glances at his Rolex] I owe your uncle a favor since he got my kid backstage passes for New Kids on the Block. You have 15 minutes.

Jason: [Nods at screenwriting partner and takes a deep breath] Okay… We came up with something that we believe is really timely. It’s tentatively titled ‘Bastards of Young’—

MSVP: Let me stop you right there. What kind of title is that? Is this a western or something? We don’t green light westerns…

Chad (Young Screenwriter #2): It’s, uh, the name of a song, but we really think you’ll like the concept. It’s a buddy film spoof. Sort of like ‘Lethal Weapon’ meets ‘Singles,’ with a dash of ‘Waiting for Godot.’

[MSVP nods at ‘Lethal Weapon’ and ‘Singles,’ frowns at ‘Waiting for Godot.’]

Jason: [Smiling nervously] They spend a lot of time hanging out drinking on the roof outside their office window…

[Blank stare from MSVP.]

Chad: [Starting to sweat] You know, like the cover for Let It Be?

MSVP: Wait. Are you seriously pitching me a Beatles movie right now?! We could probably get sued for even having this conversation…

Jason: [Jumping in] Not at all. The action revolves around two members of an alternative rock band—

MSVP: No band is crazy enough to name their album Let It Be.

Jason: That’s the thing, The Replacements actually did. Do you know them?

[MSVP looks at his two silent assistants. Assistant #1 reluctantly leans forward.]

Assistant #1: [Addressing MSVP] They opened for Tom Petty a few years ago.

MSVP: Oh, right! That was a great show.

Jason: Color me impressed! Did you get a chance to see them?

MSVP: No. I got there late and left right after “Free Fallin.” I grew up in Reseda, so…

[Assistant #2 nods in agreement while scribbling on a notepad.]

MSVP: Wait. Didn’t they get banned from ‘SNL’ for saying ‘fuck’ on live TV?

Chad: [Trading nervous glances with Jason] Yep. That was the lead singer, Paul Westerberg—but, like, six years ago. More recently, he had two radio-friendly songs on the ‘Singles’ soundtrack—‘Dyslexic Heart’ and ‘Waiting for Somebody.’ Our concept is all about Paul and his younger sidekick and bassist, Tommy Stinson.

MSVP: Now that’s a good title…

Chad: ‘Dyslexic Heart’?

MSVP: No, the other one. But more like ‘Waiting for Some Buddies…’

Assistant #1: Boom! That’s why he’s the boss.

MSVP: You know, because it’s a buddy film.

Assistant #2: [Eyes still on the notepad] Genius.

MSVP: Let’s talk casting. What do these two look like?

[Jason holds up a picture of Paul Westerberg and Tommy Stinson in his shaking hand.]

MSVP: Hm. Pretty scruffy. We’d need to cast some real bad boys.

[Assistant #1 nods emphatically. Assistant #2 keeps quietly taking notes.]

MSVP: I’m thinking John Stamos for the one on the left. He’s in The Beach Boys, so it isn’t much of a stretch. Great drummer. And maybe Christian Slater for the one on the right? Or Brian Austin Green…

Jason: Brian Austin Green from 90210?

Assistant #1: [Addressing MSVP] Parker Posey’s hot right now. Just a thought, but maybe make her the sidekick instead? Play against type.

Assistant #2: [Mumbling] Or Winona Ryder could be interesting…

MSVP: No. Too obvious... Wait! I’ve got it. Parker Posey and Winona Ryder.

Assistant #1: Amazing!

Assistant #2: That’s how it’s done.

Chad: [A little flustered] All great ideas to consider. Anyway… It’s set in Minneapolis—

MSVP: I don’t think so. Way too dull. How about along the beach in Los Angeles instead? They could be a band of lifeguards.

Jason: [Trying to lighten the mood] Like Surf Punks?

Assistant #1: [Eyes on MSVP] Definitely not LA. It hasn’t tested well since the riots.

Assistant #2: Maybe San Francisco?

Chad: Well, the band is actually from Minneapolis, so we thought—

MSVP: I’ve got it—Seattle.

[Assistant #1 goes for a high five, but gets ignored by MSVP.]

MSVP: [Self-satisfied smile] So, ‘Waiting On Some Buddies’ is a rock and roll lifeguard drama set in Seattle. You’ve got my attention. What’s the hook?

Jason: Well, Paul and Tommy’s band breaks up, so—

MSVP: Paula and Thomasina?

Assistant #1: Nailed it!

Jason: …they’re, er, lifeguards by day and private investigators by night, mostly solving low level crimes in their, um, hometown of Seattle. But here’s the real catch—they’re drunk most of the time and not really great at their job.

MSVP: So, there’s a redemption arc. I like it. Gives the audience something to root for.

Chad: I don’t know…

Jason: They’re so out of it most of the time that with every case they solve it turns out one of them was the culprit. Like, somebody steals some master tapes from a local record company—

MSVP: [Turns to Assistant #2] What’s that label with all those noisy bands you like?

Assistant #2: Sub Pop?

MSVP: Sure, but change it to Pub Sop to keep legal out of my hair.

[Assistant #2 dutifully writes on note pad.]

Jason: Okay… Anyway, Paula and Thomasina get hired to investigate the, er, Pub Sop stolen tapes and eventually figure out that they stole them, but totally forgot.

MSVP: I like it. They should run a sober home for lifeguards instead of being PIs. The rock and roll PI thing seems a little played out.

Chad: Played out? With all due respect, aside from The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, I can’t really think of any other rock and roll PIs—

MSVP: [Staring daggers] Don’t mention that movie ever again if you want to have a future in this town.

Jason: Sorry, we just—

MSVP: I have a hard stop at 3:15pm. What else you got for me?

Jason: [Looking up at the wall clock] Well, it’s only 3:08pm—

Chad: [Talking fast] Another storyline we thought would be interesting, and potentially really funny, is that a man hires them to see if his wife is having an affair, but it turns out Tommy was the one—

MSVP: [Holding up a hand] I’ve heard enough. We’ll let you know if we’re interested.

[MSVP stands up and exits with Assistant #1 behind him. Assistant #2 lingers in the doorway.]

Assistant #2: I love The Mats, by the way. Your concept is brilliant.

Jason: Wow. Thanks so much. I wasn’t sure the pitch went that well…

Assistant #2: [Laughs] Oh. There’s no chance in hell your movie’s getting made, but the Seattle lifeguard one probably will. Not that you’ll get any of the credit. Welcome to Hollywood!

—Scene—

Special thanks to screenwriter, podcast host and Geek Rocker Eric Ernst for giving some crucial feedback on an earlier draft. Check out his awesome podcast »» 90s? Whatever.